The Ferguson Report: Goodbye, George! It’s a good payment that you will pocket

GEORGE CHRISTENSEN GETS OUT OF THE FRYING PAN AND INTO THE FRY FRYER

George Christensen, a disgruntled rebellious rogue outcast, defected from the Liberal National Party to One Nation, without any degree of difficulty.

A One Nation Front spokesperson said: ‘Don’t worry, it’s only a matter of time before George leaves us too.’

LNP Senator Matt Canavan said Christensen’s desertion was “a desertion”. He then called a spade a spade and an elephant in the play “Alan Tudge”.

The Australian Electoral Commission says that if Christensen is not elected, he will be eligible for a taxpayer-funded “relocation allowance” of $105,000.

In politics, this is called “lose-win”.

In the real world, it’s called “the election bludgeon”.

JOYCE WITH PULP

Nationalist Party leader Barnaby Joyce plans to bridge the rift between himself and Scott Morrison with band-aid policies and flies in the ointment.

Barnaby threw all his hats in the ring. His staff ordered a bigger ring. Or smaller hats.

Meanwhile, the Prime Minister stuck a sticker on the back of his Commonwealth car – ‘Safer than Barnaby’.

PUTIN 100 PERCENT POPULAR AMONG RUSSIANS WITH A FIRE ON THE HEAD

Russian President Vladimir Putin has enjoyed enormous popularity since he made unpopularity illegal.

A Russian citizen hanging upside down over a shark tank said: “Putin’s popularity is through the roof of my mouth.”

Putin has disabled Facebook and Twitter, so it’s hard to know what misinformation not to believe.

The politically correct term for Russia’s special military operation is “ruthless invasion challenged”.

Ukrainian sports fans have vowed to fight them on the stands.

Putin proves that Russians believe everything state TV channels tell them. It’s as if Australians believe in the ABC.

No wait.

BORN…BORN…BORN TO BE A CLIVE

Clive Palmer’s Barely United Australia Party has more contestants than Clive had hot dinners (this is just a metaphor).

His Barely United Australians include:

– An Elvis impersonator
– A copycat candidate
– Craig Kelly impersonating Craig Kelly (because no one else would)
– Anti-vaxxers, anti-anti-vaxxers and a vaccine against itself
– That guy at your Easter barbecue who tried to convince your cat that science is just an opinion. (The cat won.)

Not to be discouraged by his detractors, Clive intends to keep his head held high.

In other news…

  • VAPING TEENS SAYS EMPHYSEMA TASTES OF BUBBLE GUM
  • MORRISON PROMISES CORRUPTION COMMISSION. AGAIN.
  • THE FLAT EARTH DECLINES AROUND THE WORLD
  • ANTHONY ALBANESE EXPLORING EXCITING NEW WAYS TO LOSE AN IMPOSSIBLE ELECTION
  • FOOD INDUSTRY MARKET REDUCTION

So true it must be false:

ageApril 13:
FOREIGN WORKERS NEEDED TO MEET PM EMPLOYMENT TARGET

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